Merry Christmas

I am back from the dead. Well not really, but I am back in bloggy world. I have been so busy with work the past few months that I haven't had time to blog. I apologize!

Mom just finished her 4th cycle of chemo post surgery. We just went on Wednesday for treatment. Mom's surgery in September went so good. I can't believe they kick you out of the hospital so fast! Mom's margins came back clear as did her lymph nodes. She has been fitted for a prosthesis (ya'll you would never know if you didn't know). Most chemo patients describe food tasting metallic, Mom doesn't experience that, she says things just taste bitter. For those who really know her, she is off chocolate (I know it freaked me out too but, it just tastes so bad she doesn't want it).

We made it through Thanksgiving with Mom feeling good. During that time one of my friends from OBU (who is 27 and has the same type of breast cancer Mom has) had brain surgery. She woke up the week of Thanksgiving having seizures. I'll be honest ya'll, it really scared me. The what ifs became so apparent, so real. I was afraid to even tell Mom about my friend, but she found out through another friend's blog we read. Mom began reading my friend Lindsey's blog which you can find at http://www.pleasantliving.org/. Lindsey is an amazing Godly woman, her faith in the Lord just blows me away. Since Thanksgiving, Lindsey has been a HUGE encouragement to my mom. I encourage you to read her blog and pray for her. Lindsey and her husband Brian have given up alot in the last month and God has shown up in huge ways!

I am finding that one is very aware of the holidays with a Mom on chemo. She will probably be the most spoiled lady this Christmas! Did you realize how much of the holidays revolve around food? It's really not much fun when food tastes bad.

And now it is Christmas Eve. And we are preparing for our Annual Family Christmas Party. When Mom and Dad moved to the mountains we began having our own version of "Cortese Christmas". The previous 15-20 years we had spent Christmas Eve with my best friend's family. Since we were too far away to go, we brought Cortese Christmas to the mountains. Things must change when you have a chemo patient, so we have adjusted this year. I am sad to say this will be my first Christmas Eve in 20 years that I have not eaten salad, pasta with homemade sauce and meatballs, and bread. We just can't do it this year. We can't spent 2 days making sauce and meatballs (Yes I know that is retarded, but we do it and if you tasted it you would know how worth it it is!). So this year we are going easy (As easy as my precious OCD mother will allow us). And you know what, it's okay. We don't have to do it big all the time. It's okay to relax and enjoy what Christmas is supposed to be about!

Our family loves tradition (almost to a fault). I want to show you some of the decorations in our house. Below are some pictures that I took today:

Here is our little tree in the study, its our only theme like tree. The little gingerbread men that hang from it were made by my mom and myself when I was in elementary school.

The stocking are hung by our chimney with care and our gifts are ready for the gift exchange tonight!

Here is our tree! I love this tree! We have a hodge podge of ornaments on this tree and I love it! Every ornament has a story or is tied to a person who gave it to us. We even have ornaments that were my great grandparents!

We got this ornament from my Aunt Etta. It was made in honor of the roadrunner that lived in our back yard. Actually we had two: Timmy and Tommy. This ornament reminds me of our roadrunners and my cousin Kevin (he loved roadrunners growing up).

I got this ornament a few years ago. That one little word has had alot of meaning this year. Many times the Lord has asked me if I would praise Him no matter what happens, no matter what He brings, whether good or bad.

Here is the formal dining room. The furniture belonged to my great grandparents on my dad's side.

This is Mom's Christmas present. Awesome story: this was given to me by the man who makes these. It is massive. When I was given this piece of scripture art I knew it needed to go to Mom.

I hope you are all doing well this Christmas. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the love you have shown my family this year. The support you have shown us is simply overwhelming.

Before I go I want to leave you with a verse from 2 Corinthians 9:15 "Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!" I pray this Christmas that you realize that those gifts you may or may not have stacked under the tree really don't matter. Whether or not you are with family doesn't really matter. All that really matters is Jesus, He is the gift that God gave us. He is the reason we celebrate Christmas. He came to this earth, lived, died on the cross, and raised to life again the third day. Not for no reason, but so that we could have life everlasting. He came so that we could have a relationship with God. Without Jesus there was no hope. Don't forget to thank God for the gift of His Son!

Merry Christmas! We love you and covet your prayers! Please pray for Mom's stamina as she finishes out chemo in the new year and then endures radiation and another surgery! Thank you for praying for us! Please let us know how we can pray for you!

Much love to you all! We will consider it ALL JOY!

Ashlee

Home, Home on the Range

Hello all!

Well I am home in New Mexico. Mom and Dad picked me up in El Paso last night. Can I just tell you how exhausted I am? I haven't slept much all week, but that's another story.

I am home, home in the midst of the battle of cancer. Cancer is mean and ugly and honestly I just want him to go away. But that is not reality my friends. Being at home has forced me beyond knowing that cancer is there, to seeing it and coming face to face with it.

Mom wears her wig a lot now. (when she is around people or leaves the house) The fact that her wig is brunette is still weird for her. And she feels very self conscious about the color in particular. Dad mentioned last night how my hair is still darker than hers even with the brunette wig! :) I knew she was nervous about how I would respond when I saw her for the first time in person. When I saw her in the airport, I didn't care about the wig, all I wanted to do was hug her. I wanted to hug it all away if possible. That hug was long coming let me just tell you!

We had some dinner (Cattle Baron's...YUM!) and then we headed to the mountains. I think some people under estimate what I mean when I say mountains. I'm talking 20 minutes into town, 45 to Wal-mart. I'm talking my phone has one bar and really doesn't work here. 4 g networks don't exist around here! Two bars on my phone is like a miracle! But I love it. I love the cool mountain air and the beautiful sunsets. I love the quiet and seeing the stars for miles.

Once we got home mom wanted to show me all the things that all of you had sent her. Up to this point all I had seen were pictures. It is so awesome! Mom says it feels like Christmas all the time because people keep bringing her presents. Yes, I came with my own presents! I brought mom a small library of Christian fiction that the ladies from my work sent her. Ladies of the SBTC, mom was so excited!!!!! Thank you! Then I gave her Denae (my roommate)'s present: a new makeup bag that Denae got her off of etsy. Denae spent several hours looking at fabric and colors and picking a scripture to be printed inside the bag. Denae had sent mom a card in the makeup bag with a hidden card to me. Thank you roomie! I am so blessed by the Lord to have you as my roommate! We finished it off with the pj's I had bought her. Super soft and comfy, perfect for days when she doesn't want to get dressed! She immediately modeled them for dad and I! :)

We spent the next few hours just processing together everything that has been going on the last few months. She shared with me some reality of what she has been dealing with.

And then she did the most vulnerable thing that she could do right now. She sat me down and pulled off her wig. This was such a vulnerable moment for the both of us, but we made it. I think we were both nervous about how we would each handle it. Honestly guys, I was so curious what her head looked like. When I told her that she laughed at me. We talked through how she was feeling about what was left of her hair and she confided in me that she doesn't think what is left will stay. She says it is uncomfortable and is real sensitive, so she doesn't think it is going to stay much longer. She told me about the day it all came out and about how awesome my dad was that day.

Then I got a chance to share what God has been doing in my life and how God has gotten glory in the midst of this horrible disease. Seriously, I have gotten to share so many times about what God is doing. Even yesterday, I sat down on the plane ready to put my ipod in my ears and sleep(remember, me, not much sleep lately) and as I got situated a lady came and sat next to me and immediately started sharing her testimony with me. And once again I got to share our story. As I shared the lady just cried. When we got off the plane she said to me "I intended to bless you by sharing my testimony with you, but the Lord has blessed me so much by hearing yours."

And that is what this journey continues to be about for me. It continues to be about me making myself vulnerable so that all God is doing can be made evident to those around me!

Mom is doing good. She has been off chemo for 4 weeks now, so she feels pretty normal, her taste buds are pretty much back to normal too. She looks good. She still has most of her eye lashes and eyebrows, but she says they are thinning out. She shared alot with me last night about what she has learned about herself and her relationship with the Lord. There are still times of struggle, there is still self consciousness, but all things considered, Mom is doing really well!!

Once again I'm going to ask you to pray for us. Pray for my mom next Tuesday morning at 10:30am mountain time. She will be having a single mastectomy. Until this morning I had thought she was having a double. Since she has had chemo the doctors don't want her to have a double at this time because of her risk of infection. She plans to have the other breast done when she has reconstruction. So please just be in prayer about all these things. Pray for mom as she deals with this physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Pray for Dad and I as we care for her. Pray that God would make Dad and I full of compassion and mercy. Pray that He would make me strong. She will not be staying in the hospital, but we will be staying in Albuquerque for several days after the surgery. Also, I ask that you pray that we will be instruments of the Lord's grace. That others will look at us and see Christ.

Today I am going to leave you with a verse in Proverbs that I read this morning: Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times, a brother is born for adversity". I read that verse and the first person I thought of was Elizabeth, my best friend from home. She is more than a friend, she is my sister. We have walked through much adversity together! Then I thought about all of you. I thought about the cards and the gifts and the pure love you have shown us and I was moved greatly. And all I could do was thank the Lord for all of you! I want to thank you all for being more than friends, but for being brothers and sisters in the midst of adversity! Thank you guys!

Keep praying and loving. Know that others are seeing what you are doing and seeing the body of Christ at work! I love it when the Body works how it is supposed to!

Love you greatly! I'm here in the mountains....considering it all JOY!

Support: This is NOT a One Woman Journey

I learned very early in this journey, that this is not just a journey, but a partnership. It is not a journey that anyone makes alone, because my mom's cancer does not just affect her, it affects everyone in her sphere of influence! From day one I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love that all of your have given to us. I think I can speak for my entire family when I overwhelmingly say thank you back. Gosh thank you just does not seem enough! I want you guys to see some of the support that has been given to mom. It is so cool for me to see how people love my mom. So hear are just a few pics for you to see some (Note: this does not fully represent the outpouring of love, no amount of pictures could do that)

Here is a picture of some of the cards mom has received over the last 5 weeks. A personal thank you to all of you who sent mom cards!

Now let's look at just one of the ways my Aunt Barbara has been loving on my mom. Auntie has been doing anything and everything she could to help and give her support. She has been there to love, cook, cry, sew, shop, and pretty much anything else she could do. Below is just one of the outfits that Auntie embroidered for my mom. She decided early on in this journey that mom would be the best dressed cancer patient out there. Auntie- thank you so much for all that you have been doing. I cannot express how much it has meant to me knowing that you are there to take care of mom and dad even when they don't think they need it!

Now below is a quilt that my Aunt Etta made. I am not sure how long it took her or if she had been working in this before mom was diagnosed, but it showed up at mom and dad's house within a few weeks of mom's diagnosis! It's it beautiful!?


This is what the message below says: Dear Joy, We hope this quilt will provide comfort for you in the next few months. When you use it we hope you feel out love wrapping around you. Wow, what a precious gift. I know mom has taken it with her during her chemo treatments. Aunt Etta, you are SO gifted. Thank you for this sweet gift!


And from my Uncle Warnock and Aunt Debbie soaps and stationary (mom and I share an affinity for stationary, I'm not sure where we got it from!)


And then there is my precious dad. My dad has always been my hero in the faith. He has so much wisdom and love for the Lord. I hope one day that I know as much about God's Word as my dad! My dad is so tender hearted (dad doesn't have alot of mercy). From day one my dad has been constant love and encouragement for mom. He has been more than support. He has been driver, chef, cleaner, medicine giver, listener, Bible reader, and on and on. However, his most memorable role to date has been that on nurse, or more specifically shot giver. Last week mom's white blood count was low and mom and dad live over an hour away from her doctor, so guess who got to give his first shot??? Yep...my dad. Here is the little shot giver below!


Okay, so now it's time for you to show the ways I have been supporting my mom. I don't have any artsy craftsy gifts to bestow upon my mom. So I have taken on a couple roles. The first one is this blog. This blog might be more for me than it is for mom, but it is one way I can give her support and help with communication to the outside world.

The next way I have been supporting her can be found below, with this t-shirt:

I have been wearing this shirt on the days that mom has chemo. Yes I wear it to work and everything. I will be honest, the first time I wore it I felt so vulnerable because I was telling everyone who saw me this very raw thing that was going on in my life. I never expected to feel so vulnerable. But each chemo day I proudly sport this shirt, it is one little thing that I can do to love on my mom.

The other thing I have in support came in this cute little box:

This is what is actually in the box:

I had this bracelet made on etsy. If you don't know what etsy is, well you are missing out! Etsy is an online selling place for homemade items of all kinds! A sweet girl made this bracelet for me. Here is a link for the etsy store I bought it: http://www.etsy.com/shop/hiphophippos it has two charms as you can see. One says "faith" the other is the breast cancer awareness ribbon. I chose the word faith because I feel like has been the what the Lord has called me to live over the last 5-6 weeks. He has called me to live by faith and walk in faith. I wear this bracelet everyday. It is a constant reminder of what reality is: my mom is battling breast cancer and it is a reminder to me to walk in what I know to be true: faith.

Below is a survival pack from my cousin Lisa who has also battled breast cancer. All kinds of goodies in here!

And then I saved the best for last. If there are any guys reading at this point you may feel a little uncomfortable...just a warning. It was necessary that I include a gift sent from the ladies in my home town. Mom and Dad don't live where I grew up and so she got a very special "support bra" in the mail from many of the ladies that are near and dear to my heart! Ladies of Ft. Sumner, you are AWESOME! Mom and I just laughed over these pictures! I loved zooming in on this picture and seeing all your signatures! Even my bestest friend (since I was 4 and she was 3) has signed it!


How my dad pulled this picture off I will never know!!! He's gutsy like that, but if you have ever met him you know that! So here is our cancer patient my friends sporting her "support bra", doesn't she look great?? Yeah I think so too!

Thank you so much for all the ways you have shown support to my family. We have been overwhelmed with the overflow of your love and support. Thank you for how you are loving on my mom right now!

I just want to end this post expressing my thanks again and saying that there has been so much more support than I could ever show! If a way you have shown support didn't get posted, know that more posts like this are coming in the future!

I also want to express that the biggest support my family will ever have is our relationship with God. He is our refuge, our strength, our present help in trouble! He sees all and knows all and He knows what the plan is even when we don't! If you don't have a relationship with God and would like to, please chat with me, mom, or dad! We would have no greater joy that to talk to you more about this!

As always we will consider it all joy!

Ashlee

Just When We Thought We Had It All Figured Out

Hey Everybody!

Gosh I feel like I have learned so much about cancer in the last few weeks and then still there is so much that I don't understand. I am just baffled by how complex cancer is and how many different forms there are and then how many different treatments there are. I keep telling people that my family and I are just learning as we go and this is very true.

When we began this journey just over a month ago mom was going to an oncologist in Albuquerque. The treatment process involved four months of chemo, surgery, and then radiation. So every other Friday Mom and Dad would get in the car and drive an almost 3 hour drive so that mom could get chemo. After four hours of mom being hooked up to chemo (or as I affectionately have named it "poison"), mom and dad would spend the night and get up the next morning and mom would get a shot. Then mom and dad would drive the almost 3 hour drive back home and wait and see how mom would respond to treatment.

So that is the plan.....I know the plan......and then comes.........CHANGE (it has been good change though..)

In the middle of all this mom went for her normal wellness checkup in Alamogordo. Her regular doctor asked her why she was driving all the way to Albuquerque for treatment and not having treatment in Alamo. Mom told the doctor that Alamo couldn't get her in until September and she couldn't wait that long. Well the doctor did what all good doctors do, he or she, made a phone call and got mom into the clinic in Alamo! YEAH!!!!!

Huge, huge blessings! Wait, let's count them out:

Blessing 1: Mom getting treatment in the town that is like half the distance

Blessing 2: All the money and wear and tear that is saved from not traveling as far and mom and dad not having to spend the night

Okay, so right there are two huge blessings! There are more to come! Mom and dad went for a meeting with the new doctor. The new doc told mom that she should go ahead and have her surgery instead of waiting. So the last week or so we have just been waiting to hear on when mom will have surgery. (September 21 for those who are wondering)

So mom went this last Thursday for her first treatment with the new doctor. So here are some more blessings:

Blessing 3: Mom doesn't have chemo again until after surgery

Blessing 4: Two of the nurses at the new doc's office are Christians. They made mom feel welcomed and comfortable

Blessing 5: Dad will be giving mom her next day shots from here on out. What is the shot? ummm I don't know, thats why I call it the next day shot, because she has been going the next day after chemo to get it! hahaha

Blessing 6: I get to go home for a week during mom's surgery

Blessing 7: The company that makes mom's anti-nausea drug is going to pay for it completely!

So there we are folks. In a few weeks mom will be having her surgery. She has 4 weeks from her last chemo round to surgery and then she will have 4 weeks of recovery before she starts chemo again. They are going to be changing up her chemo when she starts up again and I am really not sure what that is going to look like yet. I will keep you posted so you can be praying.

The past few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. It is a constant choice of trusting the Lord to be more than enough in the midst of the madness. It is trusting Him to walk through every moment of this trial with us. And thus far He has proved Himself to be more than faithful. Not that He had to prove Himself, but He has continued to allow us to see the good in the midst of the pain.

How is mom doing in the midst of all of this? Well hair loss was a big struggle and it continues to be. I can't even imagine how she must feel. I think hair loss would be so scary to me. It has been a mountain before mom, but I have seen mom's faith grow more in the past month than I honestly have my entire life. I see mom's faith becoming something she knows and lives, not just something she talks about. I am so proud of her.

Please continue to pray for our family. Here are some ways you can pray: Mom as she deals with the loss of her hair, cancer in general, and her upcoming surgery also that she will be transparent with Dad and I with how she feels so we can help her, Dad as he walks day by day with mom and is her constant nurse, Me as I battle the difficulty of being far away from my family in the midst of the scary disease.

Mom Goes to Look Good Feel Better

One of the things I have learned on this journey is how the money you give to The American Cancer Society is not given in vain and it reaches all the way to the patient. Let me tell you about one of the programs that mom got to be apart of that is sponsored by the American Cancer Society. This program is called Look Good Feel Better.

When Mom went to LGFB I really didn't know much about it. I later went online a did more research and found out that the program mom went to is nation wide. Look Good Feel Better is a program designed to teach women beauty techniques while helping them maintain their self image throughout the cancer process.

Aunt Barbara went with Mom to her LGFB appointment. A group of ladies talked to her about beauty care, how chemo changes your skin, and walked her through a beauty care regiment. She described the experience to be somewhat like a Mary Kay party.

Mom was most concerned about trying on wigs. She knew they would give her the opportunity to try on several different types of wigs. Mom was really feeling nervous about losing her hair and she had been looking at lots of wigs online and had me looking at wigs online trying to get feedback from me on what I thought. I'll be honest, looking at wigs was hard for me and kind of emotionally draining. It's one thing to look at them and something completely different to process the idea of my mom wearing the wig and the reasons behind why she would need it.

Well the LGFB ladies almost ran out of time and mom was starting to feel panicked because she hadn't gotten to try on any wigs. So in the end she only got to try on one wig and to make her feel even more scared they told her they didn't have any blonde wigs. I can only imagine the panic that must have crossed her face. The ladies talked mom into the brunette wig with blonde highlights.

As she left mom was given a bag full of goodies and the wig she had picked out. Come to find out, the bag was full of beauty products, over $300 worth of beauty products! Wow! What a blessing from the Lord. The products ranged from Dove to Chanel. The wig? The wig was the exact brand that mom had been looking at: Raquel Welch and is worth over $200.

Let me show you Mom's goodies from Look Good Feel Better!

Here is all the Educational Info Mom received. Mom's favorite of this was the organizer for all your paperwork, meds, and such. I know those of you who know my mom are laughing at this! It's okay I laughed too!


And here are all the beauty products mom was given. Please note one piece that is missing is the Mary Kay that must have immediately gone under Mom's side of the bathroom cabinet. Please note how much the wig looks like how Mom has always worn her hair! I am so impressed! What a huge blessing!

Guys, I was so blessed that mom got this opportunity. I really wish I could describe what a big deal this was not only to me, but especially to mom. Especially when a week later mom would lose all her hair and she would need all those tips and the wig.

When I was doing research on Look Good Feel Better I found out that a company in my area donates money to the program. This company is owned by a family that I know and love greatly. I got the chance to extend my gratitude personally and encourage them to keep giving. It was such a cool opportunity.

As I sit here to finish this post I just got off the phone with my mom and my heart is kind of broken and at the same time I know I am still in shock. And once again I find myself in the same place I have found myself the past month. I am sitting here knowing I have a choice to make. I can sit here in my brokenness and just hurt or I can sit here and choose to focus on the good things that the Lord has given us and the good that the Lord is in His very nature. So I'm going to choose to focus on the Lord and all the good that He is and that He is doing.

So let's give the Lord honor and glory for what He is doing:

Praise: Mom's trip to Look Good Feel Better and all her free goodies!

Praise: Family and friends that are so supportive

Praise: Mom changing doctors so that she can be closer to her doctor and won't have to stay overnight after treatment (The difference between Albuquerque and Alamogordo)

Praise: Mom being prescribed better anti-nausea meds that make her feel so much better AND insurance covering it

Praise: A sweet Uncle who picked up bandannas for mom this week to cover her sensitive bald head

Praise: A precious Auntie who went with Mom to Look Good Feel Better and helped her have a wonderful time!

Praise: A God who has been so faithful and His power being so evident. A God who is full of grace and peace and has given it to me and my family.

Thank you guys for reading and loving us so much! I appreciate you more than you know! Your prayers are so greatly appreciated I cannot even begin to express!

Playing Catch Up

I know, there are alot of you that are curious about mom. I want to catch all of you up on the happenings of the last few weeks.

I got home from camp on Friday afternoon, okay evening by the time I made it home. I started making phone calls and calling everyone back that had called me to talk about mom. Over the next week I talked to mom and dad every day or every other day. Mom continued to be positive. She continued to walk by faith and place her trust in the Lord. Every day she shared the ways she was seeing God's grace in the midst of what she was walking through.

1 week and 1 day after mom's diagnosis, mom had her first chemo treatment (yes it all happened so fast we barely had time to think and process). Mom will have chemo every other week for 4 months. As always, I'm gonna be honest with you. I sat at my desk at work the day mom began chemo and all I could think about was her. What was happening, how was she responding, what was her attitude like? My mind raced and so did my heart. I hated that they were pouring poison into my mom's body. I was pretty emotional that day. A friend at work loaned me her Kari Jobe cd. That was really awesome. I sat at my desk and was able to pray for my mom and praise the Lord.

From everything we were told everyone responds differently to chemo and they can't promise exactly how you will respond, but they do tell you that your body will start responding 2-3 days after treatment. So we did what has started to become a continuous process for us: we sat and waited and prayed for the best. Day 1 mom felt really good, she slept well the night after the treatment. Day 2, she slept pretty much all day and felt sick to her stomach. I could tell when I talked to her that day that she didn't feel good. Day 3, well it was really bad. Mom was really sick. So sick she couldn't talk to me on the phone that evening. Day 4 things starting looking up and mom started rebounding and she continued to feel better each day.

As mom and I have talked we have both been so overwhelmed by the overflow of love. Mom describes this as the precious things that have been happening. I want to share with you in mom's own words the precious things that she is seeing:

Precious: Mom doing my ironing at 81 when she can hardly lift the iron and sitting with me all day so the guys can take care of some errands. .

Precious: My daughter calling all day long checking on me and praying over her long distance when she is so sick in Round 1.

Precious: Uncle Boyce driving to Ruidoso at night to pick up prescriptions when mom wouldn't let dad leave her alone.

Precious: Aunt Barbara monogramming everything in sight so that I can be the best dressed chemo patient while out and bringing gorgeous totes to carry my stuff back and forth from Albq.

Precious: Aunt Barbara cooking for dad when he would not have fed himself because "chemo - round 1" was so tough on me.

Precious: Scripture and more scripture coming from a precious daughter who knows and loves the Lord more than anything else.

Precious: Cards, cards, cards, calls, calls, calls, e-mails, e-mails, e-mails.

Precious: Friends and family offering to come in to take care of me - pay their own way - pay for their own food - anything - just to be here to help.

Precious: Friends and family offering to come sit with me while receiving chemo in Albq..

Precious: Friends who have donated hair and now hope some of the blonde hair comes my way.

Precious: Confirmations from family who can say they know they know Christ as their saviour and can rejoice that regardless what happens - assurance that I will be "forever" with the Lord and the comfort that brings.

Precious: A niece who has just finished her own terrific battle with this disease and is checking on me every day and coaching on meds - things that can happen - her own story to make my path easier.

It just goes on and on.......

Now it's my turn:

Precious: A boyfriend who has prayed over me and for me since I first heard about mom.

Precious: Godly roommates that immediately called me at camp and prayed over me out loud in our house, who continue to pray and love and encourage me

Precious: Seeing the Lord working in mom and dad in the midst of cancer

Precious: The ability to be a testimony and speak truth to others within 24 hrs of knowing mom might have cancer

Precious: Friends and family that have wrapped me in prayer and love

Precious: A work family that has supported me in every way they can

Precious: Phone call after phone call from people calling to check on me

Precious: My best friend crying with me and reminding me we are family and my mom is her mom

Precious: My college roommate calling mom and crying with her on the phone

Precious: A friend from high school seeking me out just to check on me (and continuing to do so) because she has walked alongside her own mom and her battle with breast cancer

Precious: The way people have sought be out to tell me how much they love my mom and that they are praying for her

Precious: God's timing being perfect in everything. His grace being so evident that all I can do is stand amazed. His peace being so strong.

I could go on and on. These are just a small portion of the ways we have been overwhelmed with love. So thank you! Thank you for blessing us and loving us! Thank you for being instruments of grace! God is so good to us!

What's in a Name?

I never thought twice about what I would name this blog. In fact I had a name for it before I knew there would be a name. To be honest, I can't take any credit for it, it comes straight from scripture.

James 1: 2-5 says " Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him."

This was one of the questions the Lord asked me when I first found out my mom might have cancer. "Ashlee, will you consider this all joy?"

I'll be really honest with you. There was this huge part of me that wanted to close my eyes and pretend like none of this was happening. But I knew that I couldn't do that. I couldn't climb in bed and pull the covers over me and sleep everything way even though I really wanted to. Instead I must throw the curtains back, rejoice and consider everything joy.

You see joy, true joy is contentment despite the circumstances. It is not about happiness. It is not driven by circumstance. It is a choice in the midst of circumstance.

You might be asking, Ashlee how can you find joy when your mom has cancer? How is joy even possible? Well, you must know where you find joy! That is key! Well lets go back to the word and see what it says. You see you can't look at the world's definition of joy, you must look at God's. In Psalms 16:11 we see David say "in Your presence is fullness of joy" Wow! Where is joy found? In the presence of God! True joy can only be found in the presence of the Lord! Let's look one other place in the Bible Nehemiah 8:10. Here we see Nehemiah say "the joy of the Lord is your strength." You see that is where I am right now. That is where my strength comes from, it is from the joy I have that is based in and from God. Joy is possible when my mom has cancer because God is my source of joy!

Please don't fool yourself. True joy will not be found anywhere else. Yeah you might be happy for a time, but isn't it driven by whether or not the circumstances around you are good or bad? In the last several weeks I have heard alot of people tell me that they can tell my faith in God drives me and that it is getting me through this hard time. And it does. My faith, hope, peace, joy are found in God alone. But I beg you to see, that it can be yours too. Where, who, or what are you looking to for joy? If you are interested in how you can find true joy, let me know. I would love to share more with you about this!

Okay so let's go back to the main verse and unpack it a little. First, we need to know that the book of James is written to Christians (therefore it applies to all who profess to be Christians). James 1:2 says that Christians are to consider it all joy WHEN you encounter various trials. Notice James didn't say if, he says WHEN. James knew that trials would come, in fact they are promised. What I am living right now is a trial. You see the trial or testing of faith produces endurance and endurance makes you complete lacking in nothing. What in the world does it mean to be complete, lacking in nothing? It means to be mature. WOW! Cool stuff, there is purpose in the trial! It is not just there for no reason! I'll be honest, for me that changes everything! There is purpose in my mom having breast cancer. It is not just a mistake or an accident and the purpose is clear: maturity.

Then James brings out a contrast he says BUT if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God. I think this is so interesting. I definitely need wisdom in the midst of this trial. I need wisdom pretty much all the time anyway, but especially in the midst of a trial! So where do I go? I ask God for it!

Okay, lets bring it full circle and see how all this applies! As I walk through this trial I am to consider it all joy. I am to walk in contentment every step of the way. I am to speak that contentment to others. I am to seek wisdom from God the only one who is wise! And where do I go for joy and wisdom? Who is the source of these things? Yep, that's right! The source is God. I am to place my focus on God in this and not focus on the circumstance. I am to rejoice in the Lord, no matter what happens. So what about you? Are you a Christian? If so, how do you respond in the midst of trial? Are you considering it all joy??

Walking worthy and considering it all joy - Ashlee

The Diagnosis

Mom and Dad both told me it would be several days before we would have results back from the biopsy. But the next evening Mom was calling me again to give me the results of her biopsy. I have never heard my Mom be so brave before.

She spoke the words slow like molasses and heavy like they were weighted down by anchors. She spoke them like maybe if she didn't say them they wouldn't be real. Her words were clear and simple "I have breast cancer." Those words and my Mom's strength in saying them are etched into my memory.

She proceeded to talk to me and try to explain what she knew. I wish I could describe the peace that I heard in her voice. Her voice transferred from heaviness to a smooth sweet sound. She spoke about how she felt the Lord with her and that He had given her an amazing peace despite the circumstances. Mom spoke with a peace that could only be given by the Prince of Peace. If you would like to have that kind of peace, let's chat one on one and I would love to share with you how you can have the same kind of peace.

Until she met with her oncologist the next day we really didn't know much more. Mom rattled off a list of letters and numbers to me describing her diagnosis. Later I would find out she was giving me her exact diagnosis. All I understood was that Mom had cancer, it was in a lymph node, but had not spread throughout her body. Her treatment would be 4 months of chemo every other week, then surgery, then radiation. Mom would be losing her hair and she was going to be sick.

Mom is like the strongest person I know. She can out work any man, no lies. Thinking about her being sick is a hard mental image for me. Honestly, my brain can barely compute it.

As I hung up the phone that Thursday afternoon, I thought about all that had happened within a 24 hr period. My life had drastically changed, but Mom's had changed way more than I could even imagine. My mind went back to a familiar verse I had been reading that morning during my quiet time. It is from Isaiah 54:10. This is what it says "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you." The Lord gently reminded me that He had not changed. His love had not lifted itself off my family and I. I love when the Lord speaks to me that way. When he looks me in the eyes and says "Ashlee, I am still God. I do not waiver, put your trust in Me because I am more than enough. Get a grip and hang on, don't let go. Yes everything has changed, but I AM is still here." I wish I could explain the comfort that brings.

Mom and I spoke often the next few days after I got back from camp. Her peace and strength remained constant. Her trust in the Lord did not waiver. I stood back in awe of my Mom. But more than that I was in awe of the way the Lord had blessed my family. The Lord blessed my parents and I with amazing peace. The kind of peace that surpasses all understanding. The Lord had completely wrapped Himself around us and given us strength and hope and grace that could only come from Him. We spoke so many times of how good our God is, how amazing His grace was, and how grateful we were that He does not change.

Please hear me when I say this, my mom having cancer does not change how good God is. God is still good no matter what. My mom having cancer does not change who He is in His very nature. My mom having cancer is not a surprise to Him. In fact, I believe Mom's cancer is apart of His plan for my family. Please hear me, God is still the same God and He is trustworthy. And I will continue to give Him honor, glory, and praise. Why? How can I not?

Walking worthy and considering it ALL JOY - Ashlee

The Journey Begins

I'm going to be 100% honest with you. I never thought this would be a journey I would walk. Never in a million years.

I will never forget walking outside the worship center at church camp to call my dad back. He had called me twice on the same day, normally that wouldn't be a warning sign in my head. But mom and dad knew I was at camp with my students from church, so they would only call if something was wrong.

Dad started off the conversation like he does every conversation. Always jovial, always joking. Then he said those words I had been dreading "Well there is something I need to tell you." The next words I don't really remember, but I mouthed to someone outside with me "Go get Greg, go get him now". Dad proceeded to tell me that mom was going in the next day for a biopsy for breast cancer. Breast cancer, they sounded like cuss words and they were so heavy, my mouth could barely form the words. By this time my boyfriend had come out of the worship center and was standing next to me. Dad put mom on the phone and we both cried together. I hung up with both of them and turned around right into Greg's arms and just cried. I then proceeded to tell him the news that had just been given to me.

Greg immediately took me to sit on a bench and he just started praying over me. After he was finished he asked me to talk to him about how I was feeling. I told him exactly what I was feeling. I was feeling scared and frustrated. I didn't understand why this was happening to my mom. As I was sharing with Greg how I was feeling I heard the Lord speak very clearly to me. It reached to the depth of who I was. Over and over God was asking me "Ashlee do you trust me?" "Ashlee do you believe I am bigger than this?" "Ashlee do you love me and trust me enough to walk by faith in this?""Ashlee will you consider this all joy?".

What you need to understand at this point is that I am a Christian. I have been since I was in the 3rd grade. Being a Christian is not about going to church or doing good things, it is about having a personal relationship with God. It is about understanding that I am a sinner and in need of some one to save me out of that sin. You also need to know that I work with students each week in my church. I tell the girls in my small group each week what it looks like to trust God, to walk in faith, to hold on to Him with a death grip. Those same girls were with me at camp that week. So I looked at Greg and bluntly said "I need to pray, I need to pray right now."

I bowed my head and began to pour out my heart to God. I expresed my fear and frustrations, but more importantly I told Him I trusted Him. That even if my mom had cancer and even if He decided to take my mom to heaven I trusted Him. I laid all of these things at His feet. As I did I felt the fear leaving and God's peace and strength pouring through my body. I felt like I had been wrapped in bubble wrap and completely enveloped by God. Now, what you need to know is that didn't mean I didn't still cry. It didn't mean my heart didn't hurt. It meant that I trusted God to be who He is the Sovereign God over all creation who knows all and does all things. It meant I put all my trust and fears in the arms of God and trusted that God would work all these things together for our good (Romans 8:28).

After the prayer I could tell Greg had something he wanted to say to me. I told him just to spit it out and ask it. He said "Ashlee, how do you think God could use this with your girls this week?" It was then that God gave me a big picture view of what was happening. The Lord used Greg to show me that He has purpose in the chaos that was surrounding me. Has it not a typo there. I believe that in this journey God is at work. My prayer is that through my transparency God will be glorified and maybe someone who reads this blog will want to have a personal relationship with Christ.

Thus my journey began. My journey of walking what I know to be true about God and His Word. That is what I want this blog to be about. I want it to be a testimony of how good God is in the midst of trials. I hope that through the words I write you will see God, His love, and His grace, and His hope. If you do not see God in this, then I have failed terribly! I will also use this blog to keep everyone updated on mom's fight against breast cancer, but I know it is her hope that this blog would not really be about her, but that through her fight that God would be glorified. Thank you for joining the journey with us, we love you all greatly! There will be lots more in the days to come, so please keep coming back for more!

Walking worthy and considering it all joy- Ashlee